Strictly? Not Dancing

How long will it be before the BBC puts Strictly Come Dancing out of its misery? 

On Saturday night, the show, in its infinite lack of wisdom, decided to add a fifth judge. And who better to pick than that well-known master of the ballroom, Donny Osmond.

   

That’s right. Donny Osmond. One time teen pop star, clean cut, nice enough bloke, but totally the wrong choice to join an already overcrowded panel of judges. He may have won the US equivalent, Dancing with the Stars, but his comments and absurd marks added nothing to a show that increasingly has less to do with dancing and more to do with making headlines.

   

With every series, the “dancing” (and I use the word very loosely) increasingly resembles a gymnastics competition. The amateurs often barely move a muscle, while the professionals gyrate around them, doing all the fancy stuff in order to hide the flaws and, in many cases, incompetency.

   

Craig Revel Horwood sits there looking angry throughout – and even bored, now - playing up the pantomime dame act on which he has built his persona; but what was once entertaining has become cringe-worthy. Darcey Bussell plays it nice, and Len Goodman is the know all. Bruno Tolioli is, quite simply, outstanding, as he is on the US show, too: a man who totally understands dance and show business, and whose energy is the one thing that keeps the whole thing from falling flat on its backside. It can only be a matter of time before he is given his own show – he certainly deserves it.

   

When Bruce Forsyth was presenting Strictly, the air of danger in wondering when he would next fluff his lines was entertainment in itself; and while Tess Daly is an experienced and much liked presenter, there is a feeling that she is just going through the motions. As for Claudia Winkleman upstairs, when did they throw away her grammar book?

   

Strictly may still be pulling in the viewers (although many complained about Donny on Saturday night), but when it comes to mainstream family entertainment, it is ITV rather than the BBC that gets it absolutely right with its best shows. Switching channels from Strictly on Saturday, The X Factor could have come from a different planet, for all the superiority it showed.

   

Undoubtedly, it has benefited from Simon Cowell making a return to the panel (but please stop munching on those snacks, Simon; chewing is not a good look on television). The dynamic between him, Cheryl Whateverhernameisthesedays (Corelone? Something Italian sounding, anyway), Mel B and Louis Walsh is terrific. It is clear that Simon is boss – when he tells Cheryl to “Shush”, she does, but always comes back with a nicely timed barb at a later date.

   

The back stories to the contestants are certainly attempts to manipulate the audience, but they are real people with real stories. Strictly has tried to follow suit with background scenarios that force contestants into play acting, and the result is utter embarrassment. For the most part, these people are not actors, and trying to get them to perform as such just looks ridiculous.

   

No matter how much we scream at The X Factor, the best people (and don’t mock Jedward – they are hugely successful) still make it to the final, and the winner is always deserving. Only when Susan Boyle lost out to Diversity in the 2009 final did the nation gasp, but the dance group were still very worthy winners.

   

The same is not true of Strictly. Often, some of the best people are knocked out early on and duds make it through. In 2008, ex-political editor John Sergeant even left the competition of his own volition because, despite judges’ negative comments, the public kept voting him in.

   

It is pretty much the same audience demographic voting for both shows, but where viewers keep the fun acts in the X Factor to a point, they take it very seriously when it gets down to the wire; on Strictly, there is a feeling that despite outward appearances, the whole thing is still just a bit of a laugh – or, these days, a joke.

   

The reason is simple: the public are the people who will be buying the records of The X Factor’s participants. In voting for them, they are endorsing their own music tastes and setting their own standards; they feel closely related to the acts they support because, at the end of the day, they will be inviting them into their homes; they have a stake in their stardom.

   

There is no such investment in the Strictly format. All we really care about each season is which partners will sleep together; we enjoy the murky headlines far more than we enjoy the show. And at no time has this been truer than this series; even the costumes are inferior to previous years. Clearly, the sequin budget has been severely cut.

   

The X Factor remains top of the leader board in terms of prime time family entertainment, and the faultlessly produced X Factor still has legs and continues to re-invent itself every season. Strictly, by comparison, is very much on its last legs. 

It can only be a matter of time before it is sent cha cha cha-ing into the sunset.